I have come out several times on this blog on the issue of guns that has made some people believe that I have no solutions to offer. To show that I am a reasonable fellow, and in honor of Obama’s recent list of ‘orders’ that are aimed towards curbing gun violence, I would like to suggest my own ideas. Some of them actually are on his list, so that proves I’m willing to consider all sides of this issue.
- Have doctors ask patients if they own guns.
- Have health providers report threats of violence.
- Require patients to disclose to health providers that they wish to kill loads of people.
- Make it illegal to wantonly massacre people.
- Make it illegal to have magazines with more than 7 bullets in it.
- Require criminals to report gun sales transactions.
- Post ‘No guns allowed’ signs outside all places where 20 or more people congregate.
- Require everyone to request a permit entitling them to slaughtering dozens of people; have severe penalties for those who kill people without first getting the proper permit.
- Have the fees for the permit (see #8) cost more in proportion to how many people they want to kill. The cost of the permit should be high enough to deter people, but in fairness, a waiver program for those who are economically deprived should be established. A cap–say, $20,000 for the right to kill 10 people–should be sufficient to stop all killing, cold.
- Require mass murderers to use revolvers when carrying out their dastardly deeds.
- Require ‘assault weapons’ to be painted pink, to make them less deadly.
- Require all guns to be painted pink; first of all, how embarrassing is it to kill someone with a pink gun? second of all, pink guns are less scary looking. It’s a win-win.
- Revise the law so that references to the right to ‘bear arms’ are changed to the right to ‘bare arms.’ Then simply confiscate all guns. There is precedent for this kind of sleight of hand. See the government’s insistence that the Individual Mandate is not a tax, but a penalty, when selling it, and then their insistence that it was a tax, before the Supreme Court. What do you care? It would save ‘a single human life,’ and that is all that matters.
- Since it is well known that mass murderers love media attention (the Virginia Tech dude even sent out a media kit before his shootings. Did you know that?), forbid the media from reporting mass murders. Does this seem to infringe on the first amendment? What? You’d rather have 11,000 die each year to gun violence just so that you can have free speech? “Anything that would save a single human life is worth doing.”
- Since it is well known that most gun violence is carried out by gang members, and gang members are often the casualties, make it illegal to be in a gang.
- Since most gun violence is carried out by black people on other black people, make it illegal for black people to own guns; better yet, make it illegal to be black.
- #16 may be too politically incorrect, so instead of focusing on the race, focus on the gender. Since most gun violence is perpetrated by men on men, make it illegal for men to own guns; better yet, make it illegal to be a man.
- Make it required to store all guns at the local police department. Require a deposit before they can be loaned back to their owners who are participating in their yearly ‘constitutional right to hunt.’
- Require that stolen guns be reported within 24 hours.
- Make it illegal to shoot responders.
- Make it illegal to shoot children.
- Make it illegal to buy ammunition.
- Eliminate every gun that has ever existed and forbid the entire world from manufacturing more. Practically speaking, it may be easier to do this after all the nuclear weapons are removed from the world. However, I think you will all agree, that if there are no guns, there obviously cannot be gun violence. And if there is no more gun violence, there will be no more death.
If we find that after implementing these ideas, people are still being murdered by the bushel, perhaps because for some strange reason that defies the imagination someone refused to turn over their gun, or perhaps because they switch to knives, automobiles, or hammers, simply re-write the above.
But in honor of the principle that anything is worth doing if it saves a single life, let me propose two options that will address that with finality:
1., compel everyone to live inside padded, sanitized rooms, or
2. Just kill everyone, since everyone now alive is going to die anyway, and by preventing all the living ones from having more children, this will spare those future children from future suffering, and death. Don’t laugh. It’s an idea worth considering.