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Questions for Pillow-Marriage Advocates

In my last entry I felt compelled to clarify that I was married- and that, to a woman, and not a pillow.

I felt this need because of this article I just read talking about a guy in Korea marrying… well, a pillow.

Far be it from me to prohibit anyone from living out the rest of their lives in a committed, monogamous relationship.  But I do have some questions.

Q.  Does the pillow consent?  If consent is no longer one of the important elements constituting real ‘marriage’ where does it end?  Will people be marrying shoes next?  If shoes, why not toddlers?

Q.  Obviously, with all of the kids needing loving parents these days it would be abhorrent to not allow this loving couple to adopt children.  But I am curious to know… if the guy dies, does custody revert to the pillow?  Who gets his assets?

Q.  In the spirit of the preceding question, in the case of a divorce, does the pillow get custody at least every other week and one month out of the summer?

Q.  In the spirit of the above question, in the case of a divorce, does the pillow get at least half of the household income and assets?  Does the man pay alimony?

Q.  If the man is caught sleeping with a different pillow, can the state grant immediate relief to the pillow he was married to?

Q.  If a man can marry a pillow, shouldn’t we just go all the way and allow pillows to marry each other?

Q.  If we allow pillows to marry, why not blankets?

Q.  There are two specks of dust on my desk.  In the spirit of equality, shouldn’t they be allowed to marry?

Q.  What if I want to marry the two specks of dust?  As long as we are committed to each other and monogamous, there shouldn’t be any problem, right?

Q.  A toaster has been leering at me lately.  If a man can marry a pillow, can I file charges against my toaster for sexual harassment?

Q.  Is the world sufficiently insane or must we descend deeper?

These are the questions that come to my mind.   I am with Jim Wallis on this.  We should be very concerned- us Christians, too- about social justice.  We shouldn’t deprive any other person, linen, appliance, or speck of the right to live out their lives in a committed relationship with any other person, linen, appliance, or speck.  I do think, however, that if we’re going to do this we should at least exhibit some maturity and plan ahead for what to do if these various kinds of relationships fail, as we know they are bound to.

As it is often noted, it is the kids who suffer.

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